The Alaska Way Viaduct Fiasco

Washington's governor, Christine Gregoire, is going to tear down the Viaduct before 2012. Which got me to thinking about a story I wrote about the viaduct mess awhile ago...

FAMED SEATTLEITE HAS ANOTHER VIADUCT IDEA

A new design has been unveiled for the elevated Alaska Way Viaduct in case politicos reject Major Nickels’ tunnel proposal. The design was created and developed by Sunny Kobe Cook of Sleep Country USA and involves placing lots of mattresses under the Viaduct in case it collapses in an earthquake.

The Seattle City Council is still mulling over whether to ask voters if they approve of the tunnel replacement that Mayor Nickels is pushing. The council, according to meeting notes, is leery of placing a divisive issue on the ballot stating, “They’ve voted positively for Tim Eyman initiatives. The public, therefore, cannot be trusted.” The vote in November, however, would be advisory and politicians would make the final call.

Meanwhile, engineers, and Sunny Kobe Cook, the founder of Sleep Country USA and inspirational speaker, is developing an alternative to keep the overall project on schedule, the State Transportation Department said. So they’ve created a proposal that will benefit those who fear replacing the structure will cause traffic nightmares and those who are concerned with public safety should an earthquake arise.

”It’s very simple,” Kobe Cook said. “Instead of replacing it, or even stabilizing it, just put a whole bunch of mattresses beneath it so that when it collapses it’ll just land like a feather on Sleep Country USA’s high-quality mattresses and box springs.” The proposal stated hundreds of mismatched sets of mattresses would be used that would have otherwise been donated to charities assisting families in need. “What does a family need?” Kobe Cook asked. “A family sleeping on a vermin-infested floor who hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in years because of terrible living conditions and gnawing hunger? No. They don’t. We need mattresses under a road to help during an earthquake!”

Many find Kobe Cook’s designs faulty. “Putting mattresses under the Viaduct won’t make me sleep better at night,” said Dwight Romer, a civil engineer whose worked on Viaduct options. “It’s preposterous! Don’t do anything to the actual structure. Just put cushions under it. You know how many tons of concrete and steel will fall on them when the Viaduct collapses? Preposterous! Ridiculous! It’s all poppycock! We’re talking tons of concrete.”

Asked about whether Sleep Country USA mattresses could withstand the overall weight of the structure if it fell, Kobe Cook said “Of course. Wayne Cody slept on our mattresses for years.” Cody, a popular radio and television sportscaster who spent the bulk of his career in Seattle, was grossly obese. He is said to have eaten a minor league team from Salt Lake City when they played the Tacoma Rainiers at Cheney Stadium. The team’s disappearance officially remains unsolved. Before Cody’s death he denied eating them.

West Seattle resident Dale Woodruff, who commutes on the Viaduct everyday to his job at a computer store in the Fremont area is nervous about the mattress possibility. “Even if the mattresses DID work as cushions there are still cars on the roadway. People would fall from the sky onto an enormous pile of rubble. It was be grisly, to say the least.”

”I’m one step ahead,” said Kobe Cook. “I’m not only devising a Viaduct solution, I’m also creating mattress cars. Mattresses with an engine and four wheels. Crash and you’re cushioned!”

Mattress manufacturers are excited about Kobe Cook’s ideas. “She’s a visionary,” said Sealy Posturepedic spokesperson Delilah Hall. “What a wonderful idea to not only save the beloved Viaduct but create a space, below the structure, to highlight great comfortable mattresses.” Sealy, Spring Air, and other companies will have mattresses below Alaska Way.

As for the parking lost when the mattresses are placed, Kobe Cook is not concerned. “Thousands of parking spots are lost? What’s more important? A good spot near a Starbucks or your life should an earthquake hit when you’re on the Viaduct?” She anticipates no one will want to park, anyway, if they are driving mattress cars.