AMERICA'S YOUTH

A little while back Vanity Fair had an essay contest, "What is on the minds of America's youth?". This is what I entered. I didn't win. I didn't even come close...

What is on the minds of America’s youth today? Their skull for one. Without it they would look just terrible. Kids in their school would mock them. “Look,” they’d giggle with delight, “there’s the kid without the bone on the top of his head. You can see his mind! Grody!” The kid without the top of his skull would be made fun of and would not get anyone to go with him to the prom. Not even the albino girl in shop class that accidentally cut off her arms in a trivet making accident.

Let’s just say then, for the benefit of this essay, that they have a proper skull. What then? Well, they’re thinking about a variety of things including: nachos, Kid Rock, earwigs, quiche (particularly if they’re French-Americans), marching band practice, isotopes, circus clowns (they’re frightened of them), Sandra Day O’Connor, Carol O’Conner, Jimmy Connors, Roger Conner (baseball’s home run king before Babe Ruth showed up), fine wine, radios, the Tea Pot Dome Scandal (they’re taking a very thorough history class), their mom’s new boyfriend, J.D. Salinger (this individual is NOT their mom’s new boyfriend but would be pretty cool if it was), newts, Cabo San Lucas, MTV, cars, surf boards, John Philip Sousa, cement, toads, Halloween (what kind of costume can one come up with if one decides to be dental floss this year?), spelunking, taxidermy, J. Lo, lawn mowers, Pablo Picasso, umbrellas (not so much in Arizona but in more wet climates), geese droppings, Westminster Abbey, Jack Kerouac, ants, Aunt Millie’s meatloaf, Meatloaf, war, the ozone layer, and pie.

But, you know, those things are just secondary. The primary thought of today’s youth is sex. They like sex. They have sex when they’re in 5th grade. When I was in 5th grade I was doing dance numbers at recess to Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” song. Now, youth these days, they ACTUALLY beat it. You know what I mean? It’s amazing how much sex the youth of America is having and when they’re not having it they’re thinking about having it and when they’re thinking about having it they, you know, get busy. Sex, sex, sex. They’re showering in sex (or, more to the point, they’re in the shower having sex). I just can’t believe it! What would I have done in this sex-crazed environment had there been one when I was growing up? I can only imagine.

Actually, I imagine me not having sex at all. I wasn’t all that good looking growing up. I had to wear an eye patch. I had a lazy eye. The doctor said my left eye was in very bad shape. He wanted me to be sure to keep my right eye in good working order. He said, my ophthalmologist, “You lose right eye, you in big trouble. You need dog!” So, there was my eye patch which wasn’t much of a babe magnet. I also had buck teeth. Many kids during lunch asked me to open their soda cans with my buck teeth. They were that bucky, my teeth. Strangely, I didn’t get nicknamed Bucky when I was in middle school. Not even Eye Patch, on account of my eye patch. I DID get called Planet of the Apes all the time because my hair looked funny, like a walking talking ape’s. Oh, there was that, too. My hair, my teeth, my eyes, my clothes, my demeanor, my personality, my upbringing, my aura, it was all very much repellant so I didn’t get anywhere with anyone of the fairer sex which was too bad because I was horny.

Which brings me back to the fact that America’s youth today are extremely horny. Horny, horny, horny. Geez, I mean, really, have you looked at these studies these days that they do on sexual activity among young people? They’re going at it ALL THE TIME. Stamina, that’s what they have. Stamina and parents away for the weekend. Stamina, parents away for the weekend, and large amounts of alcohol flowing through their systems. Stamina, parents away for the weekend, large amounts of alcohol, and moxie. Oh yes, youth today have moxie, moxie in spades!

That is what America’s youth is thinking about – sex. That’s about it from what I can gather. I’m still a virgin. Did I mention that? Man, oh man, how I wish this sexual frenzy of today’s youth hit me when I was still in school. Sure, I wouldn’t have gotten any but I would have at least been able to THINK about getting some. I think I’d at least have a better shot at Jana Pratt then the guy who didn’t have bones on the top of his head. And, heck, if head bone guy DID get with Jana Pratt maybe I could find a coat closet somewhere and invite the albino girl if she’d have me. We’d hold each other tight. Well, not so tight. She doesn’t have any arms because of the trivet accident. But still.