I was looking through my old writings and found some holiday-themed stories, many of which are ridiculous...
TRUE VALUE
Larry was worried that he had not figured out what to give Lyla until he entered the plumbing aisle of the local True Value, where he spotted the perfect gift whose chrome plating gleamed triumphantly even while it lay amongst brass valves, iron pipes, and floral toilet covers.
"This is perfect!" He exclaimed as Johnny Matthis crooned about a white Christmas on the True Value sound system. Then, with the help of two burly True Value employees, both donning gay apparel, he loaded it into the car and headed home, after he made a stop off at Michael's for some ribbon to wrap it with.
Christmas morning. Lyla and Larry sitting together near the tree.
"Lyla, you shouldn't have." He kissed Lyla.
"You're always writing your poetry on little scraps of paper. They're everywhere. Might as well collect them all in one place."
"I know, but a laptop?! This is too much."
"It's nothing. I love you...Where's MY gift?" She sipped at apple cider.
"It's a surprise. It's in the bathroom."
"Why?"
"It's big."
"Really?" She stood, adjusted the Santa hat perched on her head, a hat she had worn every Christmas since her youthful days in Northern France where she had lived. "Really big, eh?"
Larry smiled. "Go, go! Find out what it is!" She opened the door and flipped on the light.
"What is it?"
"What is it? It's a bidet, baby! A chrome plated bidet! It's for you!"
"What's a bidet?"
"It's French. I thought you'd love it."
"I don't know what it is."
"It's a bidet! After you go to the bathroom you use the bidet to freshen up, if you will."
"It cleans my ass?"
"Well, in a manner of speaking."
Lyla wondered where the yellow pages were. She was going to find a divorce lawyer. The lawyer would be the bidet cleaning off Larry, in a manner of speaking.
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